Lost to Silence

You say you have someone you can always turn to. Someone who understands you better than you do. And you say that what you share with them will always survive, even the ravages of distance and time. But you’re silent right now, telling yourself the time isn’t right or the need isn’t great. But you’ll know. You’ll know when it is and then you’ll speak and they’ll listen and somehow everything will turn out just alright, even if it’s just for a moment.

But little did you know just what it is that silence does to those whose beauty lay in their unfettered words.

So maybe in a few months or years from now, when a tear wells up in your eyes and awaits its fall, a ghost of a smile will play across your lips. For you tell yourself that there is someone that you can talk to about this. Someone who will not just understand, not just accept but join you where you stand to lend you all of their strength, with a smile on their face. A smile quite unremarkable and which might not mean much to most but which lights up your life even in that moment of darkness. But you don’t reach out and the light in the dream goes out. For it was not a smile but the ghost of one which had touched your lips and it fades as the tears begin to fall.

For you now ask yourself questions that you never did before. Maybe they are happy right now and how could you drag them into your misery? Maybe they’re busy? That sounds right even though you know they’ll always have time for you. You know because you do too. And you wonder for the first time why it’s been so long since you last heard from them. But you ignore this most important of questions, returning to the doubts that plague what was once indubitable.

You still don’t see that the reason the words never leave you is the long silence. You don’t see that silence carries a weight most terrible, one that only grows the longer it lasts. It suffocates every word even before it’s a thought and creates a rift that even distance and time can’t. For this is a silence that arose from within, words left unspoken not because you can’t but because you won’t. For you waited.

But you tell yourself again that maybe this is just not worth their time. For are they not your most special treasure? Not someone to be troubled with something so trivial. You don’t see that you now call everything trivial for that’s how special they are. So special, so precious that you can no longer turn to them for anything at all for everything lies beneath their purview. When they’re the only one you could turn to for anything at all, for there’s nothing about you that they wouldn’t be there for.

But each moment that you meant to speak but didn’t makes every word now so much harder to utter and the distance that the first word must traverse keeps growing. The twisted silence that should’ve never been never ends, crushing both of you with its invisible weight.

And of all the ways to lock someone out of your life, will you never see that there’s none more tragic?

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