Akrasia

Just how long have I been doing what I’m doing?
Is an important question my mind shies away from
For it’s been avoiding another, and for longer
Just what am I doing and how did it begin?
A wave of panic slowly begins to swell
The last bit of honesty that I’ve got left
I’m aware but still can’t bring myself to stop
And so it is that the wave builds and crashes
It catches me with a slack jaw and glazed eyes
Facing away from the truth, in bed with lies
But the wave sweeps me straight into the truth
And I see once again what I’ve always seen
When these sorry affairs come to their inevitable end
A man who chose not what he wanted but what was easy

I stare at him, numb with both shock and shame
And the eyes staring back at me are full of pain
For we both bear the crushing weight of the truth
That we weren’t living but giving our lives away
Consuming but really the ones being consumed
Doing anything that would keep us from really doing something
Addicted to the simple act of being occupied
With what was something that never mattered
I fall to the floor, the reverie shattered
No screams, only tears, an endless stream
Time loses meaning as I lie there
In the debris of what my life could’ve been

It’s a new day and I seem to be doing something
Some questions arise but I don’t let them take shape
There’s the shadow of panic but I manage to quell it
Carrying on with whatever it is that I’m doing
This might’ve lasted but then someone walks up
Asks me the questions that I would never ask of myself
I look at them but how could I have anything to say
And in that utter silence did panic make it’s return
Rising, unfettered, ready to wash it all away
But right until the moment would I lie, would I deny
Tell myself everything was alright and I was doing okay

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